Black Magic Fuckery
Wednesday, June 16, 2021
The Next Steps in a Never-Ending Journey…
So, if you haven’t read the previous post, “Updates and Upgrades,” you should. It will give some background into what is going on here. Maybe. A little. I think….
Anyway, I went through in that post all of the craziness that the past month or so has been. I mentioned there briefly that I was renewed in my energies of self-loathing, and that I was looking for a solution to help with weight control. Well, I found one. No, really, I FOUND one.
I joined a company called Found. It is a service whereby you work with a doctor and a personal coach. You go through some questionnaires and some health history, and they chat with you and, in some cases, prescribe you some medications to help with your weight struggles. These are often labeled for other uses, and the weight management affects are considered off-label use. However, you have them there to help you, to answer questions, and to help you build new habits and new routines.
I began the process just as I was getting sick and before I was hospitalized. As part of this, I was working with my personal coach and she asked me some valid questions, chief among them being why? Why is now the time to make the change, to put my money where my mouth is?
There are a lot of answers to that question. Here’s what I told her that day, but it’s also much more than this.
These things are incredibly embarrassing, but they are my truth. I am tired of hiding my shame; I truly believe that by embracing it, I will keep it front of mind, and I will work more resolutely to get past it. To that end, here are some other concerns that have driven me to this point.
I am tired of not being able to go to the restroom in a public place because I can’t bend or reach in a way to ensure I’ve properly cleaned myself off afterward.
I am tired of being viewed as dumb or slow simply because my body is. I am smart, and I shouldn’t have to work so hard to prove that.
I am tired of the headaches and heartaches of just trying to eat every day, of the absolutely constant struggle of should I have this or that? What can I make for the kids? For my husband?
I am embarrassed that I ask the kids to clean up things in the house and I don’t feel like I can help much because of how exhausted I am and how unhealthy I am.
I am terrified of another super hot Texas summer and all the disgusting things that fat people deal with during those times, like discharge and yeast “under the folds” that is hard to reach to clean and gets super rashy super easily.
I am tired of restricting myself to some specific food group (or excluding one) to have moderate initial success followed by a plateau as big as Texas.
And I’m sure there’s so much more… every time I think of it, I think of more.
Regardless… after all of the setbacks and delays, all of the doubts and the fears, the day has finally come to begin. I have no more steroids to take to counteract the Found-prescribed meds, and no more excuses with work, etc., as I’m home for the summer. It feels like the real beginning of something now.
Now is the time,
This is the hour
Now is my vict’ry
This is my power.
Thus the title here: Black Magic Fuckery. It almost feels like casting a spell. Found has “Weigh-In Wednesdays,” and even though last Wednesday was just sort of starting off, and sick, I weighed in at a massive and terrifying 328.9 pounds. Over the following week, I did nothing special. I merely ate when I was hungry (but not all the time when I was bored), and I drank more water. Today, I weighed in again, and was at 327.5. That’s pretty good considering I didn’t really do anything and that I just started the meds this morning.
Loss So Far
I’m eager to see how the meds will help. The two I’m taking are Bupropion and Naltrexone. Bupropion, the generic of Wellbutrin, is an anti-depressant meant to to treat Major Depressive Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Naltrexone is used to help treat Opioid addictions. As I understand it, they work together in patients seeking weight loss to control the pleasure centers in the brain and to remove cravings and emotional eating.
I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I don’t now how long I’ll keep up this blogging thing this time around. All I know for sure is that it’s time. For something. A change. I can’t do it alone, and I can’t just keep hoping it will one day magically happen. I have to make it happen. It’s time.