Ooops, I Did It Again…

Friday, January 22, 2021

So, first things first: an update since my last post.

I have given up sodas entirely (before, I was drinking only diet sodas; now, I’m drinking none). I have had more good days than bad in that I’ve had salads for lunch and a light dinner that was usually fairly low-carb. But I’ve still had some issues staying on track.

My husband will come home from work, take a shower, and switch into “night mode,” so to speak. He’ll partake of his chosen vise for a bit, then relax at his computer or watch TV. Usually, it’s around 11pm or so when the munchies hit, and—enabler that I am—I will not only go get him something, but I will also have something for myself. Often even if I’m not hungry.

Now, this week, I have been cognizant of that, and a couple of times, I’ve helped him keep these late-night snacks more “kosher”—more healthy—but not always.

I decided that all those years ago, when I dropped 80 pounds, I was tracking everything I ate faithfully, especially in the beginning. I decided I needed to do that again now. So, I downloaded that same app I used to use, paid for a yearly membership (put your money where your mouth is, right?), and even took it a step farther this time, ordering a blood pressure monitor and a scale that will sync automatically with this app. I have to do something differently, and keeping these trackers and consequence-bearers top of mind might be that first step.

Or so I thought…

But then, the husband had Derby last night (he goes out every week with my bestie to Roller Derby practice—he’s a statistician for the team). That left me home with the kids for dinner, and Sonic was having 50-cent corndog night. Good! Kids = sorted! But what about me? I didn’t want to make something for myself. I didn’t want another salad. I had a large calorie budget left according to my app, so I went for it and ordered the same old crap I always do, and today, I feel like shit because of it. Both physically and mentally.

It was good—don’t get me wrong. That was one tasty burger! But it was too much. I knew it as I ordered it, and I knew it as I ate it, and I knew it as I sat up half the night with nearly debilitating heartburn. But once again, as I said before, knowing isn’t enough….

I’m hoping that logging it into the app will help me to be more aware, and will also help me to maybe feel guilty enough to not take that next bite or eat that next thing. IDK. It seemed to have worked before. We’ll see….

So far today, the guilt of last night has held. Today is Friday. This means the weekend, which is yet another test of my resolve. We have “Adult Night” on Fridays where my bestie and her husband come over, and we hang out and watch movies or play games and usually drink. I know the drinking won’t help with any of this either, but I’m hoping that dinner will be low-carb and tasty and that I won’t have to do anything for it. My bestie is an amazing cook, and I love eating what she makes. But I feel guilty standing in the kitchen doing next to nothing because I don’t know or don’t want to mess up her process. I keep her company, but I don’t really help much with the cooking. And I can’t stand down there on that tile floor nearly as long as she can….

She amazes me, you know. Like totally and completely. She’s this beautiful cynic, seeing things in the most absolute shades of black and white, but operating in the grey nonetheless. She loves with her whole heart, and if you’re lucky enough to receive that love, you’d best not abuse it! Because she can also be mean and spiteful and vindictive—which seem like bad qualities, but it really depends on the situation. Of course she has her flaws; we all do. She can also be shallow and petty at times. Overall, though, she’s this amazing, incredible woman, and I am completely head over heels for her. Yeah, yeah, I know. What does that have to do with weight loss and the struggle and such? Nothing really. It’s just another facet of who I am. And it’s okay, my husband knows. For that matter, so does she, and so does her husband. But those are all other stories for other days….

I see I have diverged from my intended path, and though it’s into territory I want to explore, I don’t think I packed for that expedition at this moment, so I guess I’ll sign off for now.

Until next time….