Tough Love

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Cliché? Sure. Time? Absolutely.

See, here’s the thing. I’ve been fluctuating right here in this same spot for, well, a really long time now. I’ve had no appreciable weight loss since around October. So, I have to ask myself what changed. Medication, of course, is one thing. But that’s not all. I got lax. I stopped caring as much or being as mindful and as careful. I stopped tracking my water intake or really, even taking in as much water. I got busier and had a lot going on. I made excuses. I said to myself one week up isn’t so bad, then I’d have a week down, then another up, then down, but the overall trend stopped being down. So, I need to look at this. I need to see what I need to do to fix this. Because ultimately, I am not going to change things if I don’t change things, ya know?

Mindfulness

I have gone back to being less aware. It’s so easy to fall back into those old, 40-year-long engrained habits of just gnoshing at the keyboard or while running around with friends. We’ve been spending weekends in the temperate weather hanging out with family and friends in the back yard, and that comes with snack trays—healthy snacks, but snacks nonetheless—and chit-chat and me not even paying any attention. The food is there, on the table, looking delicious. The wine is there, in the pitcher, and I just drink it, then eat all the wine-soaked fruit from the sangria, and it is wonderful, but it is also sabotaging my successes. Will one glass kill me? No, of course not! But I never have just one glass. I have to stop that. I have to. And I know that it will hurt my bestie’s feelings. She will take it personally as if I don’t want to join her, which is not at all the case, but I have to make these choices for me if I want to continue to lose weight and get healthier. I have to politely decline the cheeses and meats and grapes. I have to have small servings of dinner and then eat slowly and stop when I’m full. In short, I have to be mindful, even when I’m having mindless fun with friends. This is hard. I know this, but frankly, my life depends on it. I can’t play around with this shit.

Movement

I have done so much better with this—to an extent. I have added in movement. I’m actually taking more time for me and better care of me than I ever have in my entire life. But the exercises I’m doing daily right now are not super movement-intensive. They are more resistance focused at this point. I know that I need to move more. I need to add some cardio, some sweat. I know this—intellectually. But there’s a large portion of me that rebels at the idea on general principle alone. First, and foremost, WHEN would I possibly have time to do this? Now that the semester is back to being operational, I have no idea. I already have a fairly set schedule that is really jam-packed with little wiggle room to add in much physical activity. I don’t know when I could add in 15 or 30 minutes of really getting active, and I know I’d have to relegate my shower routine to after it for hygienic reasons, right?

I already get up at 5am in order to have time to complete my hygiene routine before getting kids up and ready and to school. I already don’t get home until around 5 or 5:30pm most days due to picking folks up or other obligations, and twice per week, I’ve now got classes, so I have to able to leave soon after that to get to those on time. Somewhere in there, I have to figure out which contingent of our seven to nine people will be home for dinner and what they want to eat, how to get it, and who will prepare it (if it requires preparation). This sounds simple, right? It’s not. I assure you. Just getting the five kids to answer whether or not they (and their respective significant others) will be home and will need me to feed them is HARD. Then, I still have to figure out what to feed everyone. Several of them have their own jobs now and will often feed themselves, which is all well and good, but it’s still a chore to decipher whether I’m feeding three people or nine, and then getting that done.

I guess the bottom line is that I really do know the answer; I just don’t like it. I have to do it in the mornings, first thing, right when I get up. It’s really gonna suck.

Right now, our weather pattern is, well, plaid. One day will be bright and sunny and moderate and beautiful. The next will be hot and humid and disgusting. The next will be so wet that the track I’m thinking of walking near my house will be more like a swimming pool, and the one after that will be so cold that I’ll need multiple layers of protection. I will have to get up, check the weather, dress accordingly, go walk, come home, and then continue my now-normal routine. The question is whether I can do it in the time I already have in the mornings by adjusting my routines, or if i need to get up earlier to accommodate this change. God, I hope I don’t have to get up earlier!

There is a bright side to this, though! I get to make a “new” playlist! I get to go through and find out what a good pace is and find music that falls into that BPM and then make a playlist of songs in that range. I know music has always been such a motivator for me, so I need to make sure I’m ready with a list or two I can queue up for walking purposes. I suppose I need to figure out how fast I can tolerate first. I asked my co-worker, Chase, who advised I get my heart rate up to about 120 and sustain that for about 15-20 minutes. I need to figure out how to do that. One of the cool things I can do is save my playlist to my watch and sync my earbuds to my watch so I don’t have to take my phone with me…. There is a part of me that’s really excited about trying to pick some music out and make a list.

Más Y Más

More what? Self-loathing? Despair? No. I refuse. Quite simply: FUCK THAT. More of what I know works. More of the things above, mindfulness and movement. More of self-care and positive self talk. More of support from folks how know what’s going on and know that I need this to be successful. More of all of that. But here’s a big one for me, personally: more water.

I know, I know. I should have been doing this all along.

I should have been drinking the water non-stop. I was really good about it for a while, in the beginning. But I got away from it, and I think that’s been a big detriment to my success here. I was drinking water like crazy, and not much else besides. But I got away from it. Starting today, I’m back at it. I have my giant, uncomfortable water bottle here at work, filled with ice and company cold, and I keep forcing myself to reach for it. I need to make sure I’m drinking so much I feel like I’m going to float away! I think part of me let up on it because it has been so driven into me that I can’t leave a classroom of students alone in order to go pee when I need to; however, that is sort of lax around here. I have to be okay with leaving my kiddos to go to the restroom when I must. They’re seniors; if they’re not 18 now, they will be within the next few months. Plus, I have four classes where I have co-teachers or instructional support teachers—another adult in the room with me to help with the kids. That means I can leave the room with impunity during four out of six classes (so why is it that I usually have to pee in the classes where I don’t have help?). Anyway, I can’t let that be an excuse.

I think doing the cardio in the mornings will help with water intake also. I think I’m likely to drink more when I move more, so these things are all inter-related, right? I have never been able to do all the things at one time. I have never sustained exercise and healthy eating and self-care together without one or the other falling away. But it’s time. I have to do this. I cannot be this giant blob of a disgusting human any more. It’s gross. I can’t.