Hollow Victory
April 1, 2022
I’ll start by saying that, despite the date, this is NOT a joke.
I have some REALLY BIG news.
I should be happier with the announcement I’m here to make, but I just am not.
Let me see if I can explain. As of this week on weigh-in day, I am OFFICIALLY down by over FIFTY POUNDS!!! Exciting! Amazing! Stupendous! What progress! What joy! Much wow!
But, I’m still not super happy with where I am. Don’t get me wrong—I’m thrilled that I’m no longer hauling around an elephant’s heart or any of the other things that help me actualize what I’ve lost: a small bale of hay, a small mattress, a 21” dorm-size refrigerator, or $1,000 in quarters! It’s an amazing thing I’ve done, and I need to be cognizant of that. It was no small feat.
But I still haven’t had some of the changes I wanted to see.
I’m still wearing the same clothes I was wearing 50 pounds ago. I mean, yes, they fit differently—I am constantly pulling up my pants where they used to be so tight they were uncomfortable and I thought I probably needed newer, larger ones—but they’re not falling all the way off quite yet. How is that even possible with a 50-pound loss? It doesn’t make sense!
But really, it does make sense. I have not kept up my end of the bargain, you see. I have not done what I needed to do. For myself, for my health, for my future…. I have GOT to do better. I simply must. I want so badly to be a different person when it comes to things like exercise and late-night snacking. But alas, I am who I am. I have mentioned these weaknesses to my doctors, but they are happy with the progress I’m making, so they are not recommending any changes at this time. This “seems to be working,” so we will stick with it.
But I want more. Faster. Other.
The problem is that I can’t make myself make the time in the day to do what I need to do to make the more happen. Yes, that was an amazing feat of verbal gymnastics. I am so busy, and in those few times I’m not, I don’t want to exercise or maybe I don’t want to do it where other people can see me or maybe, I don’t know, I just…
I guess, maybe, I’m just feeling a bit defeatist today. Even though FIFTY POUNDS!!! How does that work? Stupid brain! Why are we always so hard on ourselves? Why is it so hard to do what is necessary? Why is it so hard to stop the triggers even when you know what they are?
So, am I celebrating a victory? Yes, of course I am. But it’s still a bit hollow today. It still feels a bit empty. Because I’m still shaped funny and still wearing the same stuff and still not doing all that I could be doing to be the best me I could be. And that’s no one’s fault but my own. I’ve got to do better.