Om Nom Nom

March 18, 2022

I am not hungry. But damn, everything looks so good!

I got up late today—my last day to luxuriate in sleeping in on Spring Break—and I took a LOOOOOONG hot shower, did a keratin mask on my hair, laid around and let the breeze from the ceiling fan skate over my skin (I love that sensation) for about 20 minutes, and then, finally, got dressed and went into the kitchen to get my morning shake to take my pills with. I wasn’t hungry at all, but I get queasy if I don’t have some calories with my meds. When I was in there, there were so many things that just looked so good: the kids’ leftover pizza from last night, some Campbell’s Chunky Chicken & Dumplings Soup, Pizza Rolls, Hot Pockets, graham crackers, chips of multiple varieties, even just a peanut butter sandwich sounded pretty dope.

But I breathed for a second and took stock, and no, I’m not really hungry. (And yes, I know to keep that stuff away from me to avoid temptation; however, there are seven people living here other than me, and they have to eat, too, and frankly, the not-so-healthy stuff is a LOT cheaper, but that is a different discussion for a different day….)

Anyway, then I came back to my room to sit at my desk in front of my giant window, enjoying the sunshine while I take care of a few tasks before taking my iPad outside to grade (because it’s a gorgeous day, and I should do that while I can, before I go back to my dark, square, windowless box at work). I was checking email, and there were coupons for places, and again, ooo, that sounds good… mmm, so does that…. But I’m NOT hungry! What is going on with me?!?!?

Ugh!

And then I figured it out.

I opened my pill case to take the morning’s pills (much later than usual, again—luxuriating), and I realized I hadn’t taken my nighttime pills last night! Currently, at night, my doctor has me taking Zonisamide, which is an anti-seizure drug, but has substantial evidence of off-label success in reducing appetite and controlling cravings. Now, in a way, this was a good little accidental experiment for me, because I was beginning to wonder if these bedtime doses were doing anything for me; I wasn’t feeling anything or noticing anything significant from them. However, now that I went without, I saw what the difference was.

The other thing that has been really good about this is that it has proven to me that I have become stronger, mentally. Throughout this whole process, I have tried to live by the non-denial philosophy of weight care. If you want cake, have cake. So, Past Me™ would have looked at all of those tasty things this morning, chosen one, and gone to town, even with just a little, saying to herself, it’s okay. I can eat what I want, as long as I have it in moderation. However, this morning, I took an extra moment—even without the meds on board—to stop and think whether or not I was really actually hungry. And I wasn’t.

See, part of the problem with all of this is that, unlike other addictions and dependencies, you can’t just quit food. You have to still have it. Have a problem with alcohol? You can go your whole life without ever having another drop. Addicted to sex? Become celibate! Problem with gambling? Simply don’t anymore. (And yes, I know it’s not as simple as just don’t, but the point is, you CAN go your whole life without ever doing those things again….) But you can’t just give up eating cold turkey… pun intended. You have to eat. It’s necessary for survival. Until they come up with Nutritional Supplement Capsule Number 3 that meets all dietary needs, we will always have to eat, well, something. And for us folks who just really love the actual flavors of some things so much, that can be an issue.

I used to order so much food at certain restaurants not because I was that hungry, but because I liked that many different items and wanted the flavors of all of them. I’m embarrassed now to list what my standard McDonald’s order was… and I would eat every bite of it, too. I would get a 10-pc. McNugget meal, Large-sized, with a Sweet Tea, and then I’d also get two McDoubles, no pickle, no onion. I’d eat 3 nuggets, a burger, 4 nuggets, a burger, then 3 nuggets, with fries interspersed. I am so disgusted with myself looking back on that now. I just looked on McDonald’s website, where they now have a nutrition calculator, and I see that this meal alone should have been well and truly more than enough to sustain an adult human for a whole day at least. And consider that I would often add a couple of cookies or a chocolate shake to that, too!

My God, what a little piggy I was! And that was just one meal out of my day! And it was a typical meal. One I would have multiple times a week. No wonder I was a billion and three pounds! No wonder I felt run down and exhausted and disgusting all the time. I have come so far in the past few months. I have my down days, my off days, my days when I just want to shovel all the food in my mouth, but then I remember what I used to feel like. What I used to look like. How it used to hurt to get around…

Don’t get me wrong; I’m nowhere near done.

I still have over 100 pounds to lose. But the difference now is that I can actually see it happening this time. I really feel like I will get there—eventually. But eventually is good. As I keep telling myself, I put it on over several years, I can’t take it off overnight. Slow and steady wins the race.