No Longer Present
17 February 2022
A lot of the work I have been doing during this process has been about changing my mindset. To that end, I think it’s high time I also change my schtick.
See, I have had a sort of standard answer for years now.
Whenever someone asks me how I’m doing or what’s up—any generalized, passing-in-the-hallway greeting—my answer was always simply “Present.” I answered thus with a little grin, as if I were answering attendance, with a slight bit of snark. It said to the questioner, I’m here, whether I wanna be or not. I’m not good, but I guess I’m not awful, either. For those who hadn’t heard it before, it would catch them off guard, and it would make them chuckle. But it’s time to change this habit and adopt a new Standard Answer™. I am no longer simply present, no longer simply a hanger-on or a passenger in my own life.
I have worked so hard throughout this process to take control. I can’t relinquish it with a careless phrase. Plus, it’s a sort of negative way to start the day, isn’t it. I need to school myself on a better option. I used to work with a woman whose standard answer was “Marvelous.” No matter what was going on, if you asked Joy how she was doing that day, she’d say she was marvelous. What a fabulous thing to say! Happiness and joy and good things are infectious, so why not spread them around at every opportunity? I need to start practicing that to go with all the other things I’ve done so far.
And speaking of other things…
More NSV’s
This one won’t sound like a victory to start off with. I had an incredibly rough time over the last week or so. I have just be so emotionally drained, so exhausted, so irritable, and I have had body aches pretty much everywhere. In fact, in looking up something else for my daughter, I looked at the symptoms of Fibromyalgia, and I wonder if that may be my issue—though I really hate to be that guy who self-diagnoses. I have had to really look hard to see the victories and the successes. I know, I know, I lost like 6 pounds last week, but the brain demons quickly took that from me, and I had to fight them, unarmed and unprepared, to keep any positive energy going at all. So, with that in mind, here’s a list of some of the things I’ve noticed recently that I can count as successes:
Clothes: At the beginning of the school year, back in August, I bought several school spirit shirts to support one team or cause or another. Most had 3X as the largest available size, but I bought them anyway in anticipation of this journey and to support those organizations. When I tried them on, they were all too tight to wear, but now, they’re comfortable enough that I can wear them to school. In fact a couple of them area actually LOOSE on me in places! My jeans are practically falling off of me; I put on the next size down this morning and could wear them comfortably enough to wear all day, though I chose not to with the top I had on due to some muffin-topping.
Seats: I find that I am fitting a little bit better in most places. We went to a Tool concert at the Toyota Center here in Houston. I found I was able to sit in the narrow seats without bruising my hips as had happened in the past. When I sit on the toilet at work now, which is mounted on the wall (not seated on the floor), it no longer groans and creaks like it’s going to be pushed off the wall due to my weight. Public restrooms are not quite as foreboding. It’s mostly a width issue, but truly, this is something I had not expected to notice.
Blood Pressure: This is sort of a two-fold victory. First and foremost, my overall blood pressure has dropped significantly. I used to be on medication to keep it artificially lowered, but I ran out of those meds about two weeks ago, and I still haven’t had a chance to go to a doctor to speak to them or get it refilled. Because of that, I’ve kept an eye on it by using my at-home blood pressure cuff. Even when I was in a high-activity or high-stress situation, but still unmedicated, in the past week or so, I’ve been on the high side of the NORMAL range!!! I’m sort of floored by that little revelation. Plus, the cuff that I have, the Withings wireless, rechargeable blood pressure monitor that syncs to an app on my phone with wifi, now fits where it should on my upper arm! It used to not fit there at all, but now I can take a reading there instead of on my lower arm between the elbow and the wrist.
Watch: My watch band now hooks on the next lower size. As a person who has had issues with buying bracelets and other jewelry in the past, that’s a huge thing.
Skin: My skin feels so, SO much better! I know this isn’t just related to the weight loss, but it also isn’t just related to taking better care of myself. It’s a factor of both. I haven’t had any breakouts in months. I even had a student ask me the other day how I cared for my skin because she had noticed it looking really good lately! We had a conversation about the changes I had made and how they were helping me. It was a great day, and it was really sweet that she took notice.
Cravings: I have found that I just don’t seem to get cravings anymore. Okay, well, that’s not entirely true. I do, but they’re much less intense and much less frequent. I’m so much better able to just say no when the cravings do hit, and they’re often for more healthy things. For example, I find myself craving more vegetables or juices and less chocolate and sweets. It’s all become so much more manageable.
And the Progress Continues….
All of this stuff is great, and I’m so happy for all of it.
But the main show of all of this, the main reason I’m here, of course, is to lose weight. To get healthy. And while this week’s progress was not huge, it was still progress. I am moving forward on my journey, one step at a time (and moving toward that Yellowstone medal while I’m at it). I find myself choosing to walk instead of drive, to park farther instead of closer, to take the stairs instead of the elevator. On Tuesday, I was at Job #2. I ride in with my bestie, whose class lasts about an hour longer than my own. When I was done, I needed to grab some things from a store across the street and down the block. My bestie offered to let me take the keys and her car, but instead I chose to walk. I know that success breeds success, so if I just keep going with what I’m doing, I’ll have no option but to win!