Quelle Surprise
Thursday, January 6, 2022
I find it odd what little things come as a surprise to me as I continue on this journey.
It is never some big revelation that takes my breath away and makes me question everything I’ve ever known.
Instead, the moments that surprise me come in tiny gasps. Instead of the moment I realize that an item from the back of my closet fits again, it’s the moment I realize that the last time I wore it out in public was when my youngest child was in third grade—she’s in eighth grade now. It’s standing in front of the mirror to mess with my mop of hair to try to do something to it and realizing, suddenly, that I’ve been standing there, dealing with it, for maybe 20 or 30 minutes, and my upper arms didn’t ache from the effort like they used to. You see, I’ve been focusing on that area specifically, so they’re more used to being worked out and worked on now. It’s crazy to me that such little moments are the ones that floor me.
I’m also really surprised at myself and my mindset right now. I’m proud. I kind of want to sing it from the mountaintops. Which is sort of surprising in and of itself. You see, I was raised to be seen and not heard. That proper young ladies are demure and quiet and unimposing. Don’t ask me at what age I was supposed to switch from that to “Brash, Brassy Broad.” I don’t know. But I was always the blend into the background type. Even when I wanted to be an actress or a singer, I still didn’t want to intrude or be a nuisance. Now, I kind of do, if that makes sense. I want others to know me, to know what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. I want people to see the struggle and either get on board or get out of the way.
I have done well so far. Am I where I wanted to be at the start of a new year? No. Am I on the way? Hell, yeah! Am I building habits and working toward who I want to be? You betcha! (I almost typed “becoming better” there, but that’s not really correct, either. That implies that who I was was bad in some way. That’s not really right, though. That girl wasn’t bad per se; she was just misinformed, lazy, unmotivated, full of excuses…. I just decided not to be her any more.) Every day, I am working toward my goals, and my goals are more healthy and wholesome and are created for the right reasons now.
I made a habit tracker (which you can have your own blank copy of if you like) because I’ve always put myself so far at the bottom of my to-do list that I never really got around to doing anything for myself, and I would forget things. Confession time, dear reader (and a super embarrassing one, at that): sometimes, I would go 3, 4, or more days without a shower, without brushing my teeth, without much self-care at all just because I didn’t even stop to think to do it! So, when I say I made a habit tracker to make sure I do everything I need to for myself, I don’t mean I’m checking to ensure that I took my meds each day. I mean the basic basics. Did I shower? Did I brush my teeth? AND did I take my meds and put on that expensive lotion I wanted to try out, etc.?
But I’m A Bit Different Now….
Spending this hour or so a day on myself is not selfish. It is not arrogant or narcissistic. Rather, it is necessary. I feel so much better. Mentally, physically. Yes, I have to get up earlier to make sure I’m able to get it all done, and yes, that does make me drag a bit more later in the day sometimes, but overall, I just feel better. My skin feels and looks better. My hair feels and looks better. My clothes fit better. (Well, truth be told, in some cases, they’re fitting worse now because they’re starting to get too loose or even fall off, but you know, I’m not struggling to breathe in them anymore…)
For the first time in my adult life and in my up and down weight loss struggles, I am doing all of the things all of the time. In the past, I’ve been able to diet or exercise or take better care of myself, but never all three at the same time, and never for a sustained period of more than a few days, except for the dieting. Now, it seems that my success has bred more success, and the more I’ve come through tough patches, the more I’ve maintained motivation to keep it up. And speaking of motivating factors, I had an experience this morning when I got to work that I need to share. It was one that I didn’t expect, and it took me completely by surprise.
So, No Shit, There I Was….
I was in a friend’s classroom, getting ready for my work day, and I was sharing some random story. I was gesticulating wildly—as you do—and I noticed something. The shirt I am wearing, one of my favorites, which used to be flush against my arm at all times (not necessarily tight, but flush), is now just hanging off of my arm when I lift it! It literally leaves a gap, an opening! I know that to some people this seems like a little nothing of a thing. To me, though, to me, that’s incredible. It’s earth-shattering, really. I don’t know if I have the words to explain how stunning it was to me. I stopped my story in mid-sentence and teared up. I’m tearing up right now while typing this out. My upper arms have been so fat my whole adult life that I never thought, no matter what I did, that there would be any other reality for me. Shirts would not fit if they didn’t have large, flexible sleeves. I have had to send back so many shirts or not buy so many because, while everything else fit so well, the sleeves simply did not allow for my fat arms. This shirt, the one I’m wearing today, is an Adidas-branded Aeroready Drifit-type Polo that has our school’s logo on it. It is a 4XLT that I special ordered a couple of years ago. I’ve already loved it because it fits so well. It’s long, and it has some give to the sleeves that allows them to be comfortable. Today, though. Today, there is open space between my skin and the fabric of the sleeve! I cannot express the difference this marks in my progress, in my life.
My coach talks about NSVs—Non-Scale Victories.
This one is just phenomenal for me, personally. I have been working on my upper arms as I’ve begun to add physical movement to my workouts. I’ve been lifting small weights for about a week or so now: two 5-pound weights, 15 reps, two times per day. It seems like so little, but I’ve managed to be consistent with it, which is somewhat new for me. I’m also using some great lotions recommended by my same work friend to help make sure the skin is tightening up, too (after all, I’m not 20 any more). These same lotions have also dramatically reduced the rabid red stretch marks on my belly! Today is really the first time I’ve been able to see results, to know that my efforts were making any difference at all.
Other Things I’ve Noticed
Another thing I have noticed lately is that I have started to take the stairs much more often at work. It’s only one floor, so it’s not any great feat, but it has become more convenient for me to just take the stairs than to wait on the elevator. At first, it was only for going down, but now, it happens even for going up! It’s still a little tough, but I don’t dread it. I don’t consider taking a sick day on fire drill days any more just to avoid having to take the stairs in front of students.
I also noticed that my posture is better. I’m not really sure why or when or how that happened, but I am standing straighter. Boobs out! Shoulders back! By that same token, my back has hurt much less lately. My feet and legs are also less bothersome than they have been in the past. This by no means is meant to say that my little aches and pains are gone, but they are absolutely lessened.
Other aches have started to creep in, but they are—dare I say it—good.
My hips and neck are sore, but I’m doing daily exercises that should make my hips and neck a little sore. As I said above, I’m lifting some weights each day, and I’m doing some leg lifts set to target my lower belly area and obliques. The ache I’m feeling is a good kind of ache because it seems to denote progress rather than getting old or creaky around the edges. I mean, I know there are those who would argue that pain is pain is pain, but there really does seem to be a difference in the quality and the timber and the shape of the ache. I don’t really know how to describe it, but I definitely like it!
I know if I sat and really thought about it, I would find more and more things to write about, but for now, I’ll end here, but I’ll include my progress. My graph I’ve been including no longer allows me to include all of my recordings. I’ve wavered on whether to start with my first recording and then skip dates or whether to just start with the furthest back it will let me; feel free to let me know which you think is best. Here, I’ve started with the first weigh-in so the graph truly reflects the whole journey, even if it doesn’t reflect every step. I will look for an external source that will allow me to include the entire graph (instead of the one built into the blogging program I use).