I Am Ready, But I Am Angry.
Monday, January 3, 2022
It’s time to make some changes, and I’ve already begun to do so…
And, boy, doesn’t that sound like a broken record? I’m going to be better, blah, blah, blah…. I’ve said it before. So, what’s different now? Well, I don’t know. I feel different. So far, I’m keeping up with new habits I’m trying to form. I know that will be harder to do when I start back to work tomorrow, though. I just… I’m tired of being who I was. It’s time. That’s all.
One of the things I want to change, one of the things I’m finally ready for, is that it’s time to really start trying to move some more. As busy as my life is, I have had very little actual exercise in it. No stretching, lifting, pulling, pushing (unless you count this mid-size microwave I used to card around everywhere—see the chart below). Losing weight is all well and good, but nothing will change if I don’t first change what I’m doing. My shape won’t change. I carry almost all of my weight very, very low in my stomach, around the very bottom of it, and around my hips and butt. Corsets look fantastic on me—if you stop looking at about belly-button level. Everything is already lower than that, so it just balloons out more below. Most shapewear out there doesn’t really help with that particular shape. I am going to have to do the hard work to re-shape my body the traditional way if I want it to change.
So, I began to look for some help and solutions.
And that is when I got angry.
I tried multiple search terms to try to find exercises that would help with this particular area. I understand that overall toning and shaping will help, but there must be some targeting of the specific muscle and fat groups that need the most work, as well. Sifting through the detritus of New Year’s propaganda about Miracle This’s and Incredible Thats was already disheartening enough. I’m smart enough not to click on that. I was looking for movement. Specifically. I refused to click anything about “this one weird trick cured my belly fat woes,” or “new overnight sensation” to fix my problems. I tried to avoid videos, too. I wanted real, common sense, logical movements I could do to target that area and start to work a little at a time toward toning and shaping it.
But there was so much crap! Even after carefully wading through all the bullshit ads, I still was left with precious little to peruse. And what made it worse is that none of this seems to apply to ME at all! What do I mean by that? Well, see, I’m fat. We all know it. There’s no sense in mincing words. It’s why we’re here, after all. I need movements that a morbidly obese middle-aged woman can do with little-to-no equipment and even less time. I need something that is designed for someone starting out with MY kind of body. Every single one of these articles or videos I found showed some very healthy woman doing the movements—sometimes with her own advice, and sometimes under the tutelage of some guy,. But the woman was invariable one of two different body types: A.) super rail thin to the point that if she eats one single Oreo, you will be able to see the logo when it hits her belly, or B.) strong, healthy, toned, athletic, but also looks like she’s never seen a day of even slightly overweight in her life.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand the value of inspiration and looking at others to say, that’s the direction I want to go, that’s where I want to be. But there was never any indication that any of these folks had ever struggled with any weight loss issues ever.
I am literally TWO of that girl! I broke my back a few years ago. I cannot lay down on the floor (exercise mat be damned), and lift up most of my upper body in a crunch, much less hold it there for several seconds. NEXT!
What does this dude doing a plank know about the “unsightly and embarrassing condition to suffer through” of having an apron belly? What is his body fat percentage? Like point five? NEXT!
Even this animated bitch never ate too much at dinner! NEXT!
Oooo, look! I found an article specifically for people who are obese! Yay…. Wait a minute… This just has descriptions of the movements with no images. What the hell? NEXT!
Oh, yay! Another one! And this one begins with a photo of a heavy person jogging… oh, wait, that’s the only photo. Oh, well. I knew it was too good to be true.
Look, I’m not dumb. I know that it’s hard to get photos of 300-pound people working out. I know even fewer people want to see that. But I also don’t want to see Twiggy working out. Could we find some sort of happy medium? Is that possible? Most of those links up there actually have some good advice, but the one that I found that seems the most “do”-able for me right now is this YouTube video. I think I’ll have to modify it a bit to start off with, but at least the lady doing the motions here looks like someone who may have had to work up to it herself. And these movements don’t look entirely impossible for someone who is not a born contortionist. The biggest issue I see here is going to be the part where I have to find a way to get up off the floor once I’m done!
Now, what was that about a microwave?
Well, as you know if you’ve been following along, I started this journey on my own last year in January, then sort of fell off the wagon mid-year due to, well, life. In June, I started with FOUND weight loss, and I’ve been working with them ever since. I’ve had a few ups and downs with the meds, but have now weaned onto my third different medication. Thus far, it seems to be working. I feel more in control than I have in a while. I am better able to pause and ask myself those mindful questions about hunger level and need versus want. I still have not broken the 40-pound lost mark; however, we have had Halloween, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, and I have only fluctuated up and down about 2-3 pounds. I count that as a win. I’m feeling strong and ready mentally to keep going and move the trend back toward down.
But again, where does the microwave come in?
Well, it started out on Facebook. See, I have stayed mostly away from Facebook for a couple of years now, but I did go back to join the FOUND community there. I have met some amazing folks whose inspiring journeys have renewed my own vigor in this. One of them posted this image, and it really made me appreciate that, though I’m not as far along as I’d hoped to be by now, and though I’m nowhere near where I want to be when I’m done, I have come a long, long way. There’s a freakin’ microwave (and a human brain, if we want to get technical, though I’m not always certain I was carrying one of those to begin with) that I don’t have to carry around with me everywhere I go anymore! That’s incredible!
I have stayed mostly away from Facebook for a couple of years now, but I did go back to join the FOUND community there. I have met some amazing folks whose inspiring journeys have renewed my own vigor in this. One of them posted this image, and it really made me appreciate that, though I’m not as far along as I’d hoped by now, and though I’m nowhere near where I want to be when I’m done, I have come a long, long way. There’s a freakin’ microwave I don’t have to carry with me everywhere anymore! That’s incredible!
So, moving forward, means choosing forward.
I have to choose forward momentum. I have to choose to keep moving toward the positive changes I want to see in my life. I want to be able to say I have lost a small bale of hay or an Irish Setter or, when I’m close to done, a whole other person. And to get there, I have to leave all the negative bullshit behind me. I have to look forward and go forward. I have to remember the good, choose to move past the bad, and not give up. I tried that already. I didn’t like it.
